Tinder is both the apex and nadir of online dating. On one hand, it’s brilliantly simple and efficient; on the other hand, it feeds into the most base of human instincts. A combination like that comes along only a few times a generation. It’s like a cronut that promises love but steals your very soul. If you’re anything like me, you can’t get enough of it.
Having sifted through more Tinder profiles than family photos, I’ve learned a thing or two. First is that there is very little community agreement in how to spell “Megan” (take note, I just gave the only acceptable spelling.) Secondly, if you’re a busy line cook who has already alienated the hostess and received multiple warnings from your Sous, it’s the best way to meet potential matches that don’t work at your restaurant.
Here are a few of the types of profiles you’ll stumble across, and whether or not you should swipe left or right. (If you don’t know which is “like” and which is “nope”, well, stick to OKCupid.)
Cook from another restaurant – swipe right
This sounds like a bad idea, you’ll just end up talking about work the whole time. But think about it: who else will find it completely acceptable that you smell like onions and Irish Whiskey? Sometimes it just makes sense to commune with those who understand you on the deepest of levels. Besides – you can compare burn scars! Hot!
Server from another restaurant – swipe right
This sounds like an even worse idea, you’ll just end up talking about work and hating each other. Cooks and servers are basically living out cats vs. dogs in human form. But really, your onion and whiskey smell will work quite well with their eau de Fernet. Besides, they have cash and will buy drinks all the time! Hot!
Customers – swipe right
You squint at the blurry, oddly-angled selfie and realize ‘hey – I know him/her! That’s the one who ordered my special… then sent it back.’ You’ll be fascinated by their life as an office worker, surrounded by cubicles and 401Ks. They’ll be fascinated by your stories of sliced fingers and angry Chefs. It’ll be anthropology, basically. Hot!
Former ex who was fired from your old job – swipe right
This may seem counter-intuitive. They were crazy then and they’re probably crazier now. You haven’t seen them since they came in drunk and yelled at the General Manager about tip-outs. But there were good times, too. Maybe swipe right, meet for a drink and see what happens! Just do not, under any circumstances, let them know where you currently work or live. Hot!
Vegan with pics from Burning Man – swipe left
Someone’s got to make a stand. Some things are just not right. It’s fine to have a highly restrictive diet that doesn’t have a place on your menu. It’s also fine to annually meet up with people who think glow-sticks and inflatable pool toys count as clothing. But the combination will just never work. So let that one go, it’s for the best.