March 29

Quantum Entanglement and Restaurant Relativity


All seasoned restaurant veterans know that time is relative. It’s not just minutes stretching to hours (or the other way around depending on how fast you’re traveling in and out of the kitchen) but the actual order of the days of a week.

Let’s do a thought experiment that turns on a common aspect of restaurant life: switching shifts. Let’s say Andy wants a Friday off to see Future. He scored tickets, but saw on the schedule he’s supposed to work the mid-shift. This means he’ll likely miss Migos if he tries to work. Besides, it’d be ideal to take the entire night off and listen to whatever two or three albums Future has released in a given week.


His schedule is Wednesday, Thursday, every other Friday and Saturday. This makes Wednesday his Monday, Thursday his Tuesday, Friday his Thursday and Saturday his Friday. Unless, of course, it’s the week he has Friday off – then it’s the same thing but without a Thursday. (He skips Wednesdays to help keep things simple.)

He sends a text to Carl wanting to trade Thursday (which is of course his Friday) for Carl’s Friday (which is actually Friday, at least every other week.) That way he can take off his Thursday, still work his Friday, and then work Carl’s Friday the following week, allowing him to attend the Future concert.


Now if Andy has too much ‘purp’ and needs to call in on his Friday, but Carl is only willing to switch out his Monday for Andy’s Monday, the same week that Andy is working Carl’s Friday (which is still actually a Friday) resulting in either Andy actually having a Wednesday or two Tuesdays.

From this we can conclude that working in a restaurant can create a rift in the space-time continuum that will result in table 10a not getting their drinks before the appetizer comes.


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