It’s Halloween! From Scary Scarecrows To Picking Fights With Candy Corn Lovers—Here’s WTF Is Happening in October
Well, hello Boils and Ghouls, it’s finally Halloween! This week, we’re coming from the largest Halloween Spirit location, currently occupying the empty office districts of Downtown Portland, Oregon, where your nightmares come true! Look! Over there! Zombies lining up for brunch in groups of 5, making it impossible to seat them without sacrificing an extra table! And over here, we have a table of undead “woooooo girls” about to order Spanish Coffees during the dinner rush! Oh! It’s THE COUNTY HEALTH INSPECTOR here to check all the cooler temperatures! BWAHAHAHAHAHA. For this Halloween version of WTF, the morgue, the merrier!
His name is “Lewis.” Across the country, ticktockers are documenting the insidious invasion of a scary scarecrow Halloween prop named “Lewis.” No one knows where “Lewis” came from or what he may want. But it is clear he’s NOT a jack-o’lantern.
Americans are preparing to spend $12B on Halloween. Between decorations, costumes, candies, and various behavior-modifying substances, consumers are bury willing to open their wallets for Halloween. Even with interest rates rising like the decaying corpses of the undead, Americans are undeterred from spending.
Pumpkin Spice Prices Push Past Previous Peak. Foods flavored with pumpkin spices are priced at 160% more than the regular version. Pumpkin Spice lattes are becoming so expensive that my grandmother advised that I make coffee at home so I can afford a house…
Candy Corn is the worst candy. Seriously, I’ll fight anyone who thinks differently. There is nothing redeeming about candy corn. It’s insipid and uninspired. It’s worse than Ben Affleck in Gigli. It’s worse than the NY Giants offense. It’s worse than Kevin Federline’s first single. (The appearance of the word “first” in that sentence is also the worst.) There’s nothing redeeming about candy corn.
Any Questions? No story here. I just wanted to take a moment and bathe in the glorious genius that is David S. Pumpkins.