March 19

WTF: March 2024 Edition


From Ethical Cat Diets to Politics Everywhere—Here’s WTF is Happening in March 2024!

Spring has sprung, and the sun is mostly shining. Everywhere you look, there are daffodil blooms and haphazard seating areas blocking sidewalks. Seasonal menus are flirting with ramps and fiddlehead ferns as bleary-eyed chefs get up way too early so they can wander the farmer’s markets before the general population shows, which ruins the whole experience. Bartenders are planning fruit-forward cocktails and hissing at the thought of muddling mint. Wine directors are still lying to themselves that THIS year will be the “summer of sherry.” 

With the summer dining season warming up, here’s WTF for March 2024. 

Because cats are known for their ethical positions, a UK-based company is preparing to release a “cultivated chicken” based pet food. The protein is grown in a lab using cells from a chicken egg, but no other animal inputs. The food is reportedly nutrient-rich and can help keep cats healthy enough to decimate the local bird population between meals.

Ironically, the ice cream machines were all working during a tech outage at McDonald’s. McDonald’s stores in Japan, Australia, and the UK reported widespread outages, resulting in stores temporarily closing. Company spokesthing, Grimace reassured the public that there was no cybersecurity threat, and their retina scans were still secure in the company’s servers. “Wait,” Grimace then said, “forget that part about the retinal scans…”

Top Chef is almost back! Ok, it’s no secret that we love Top Chef. After its 20+ seasons, it’s become a yearly ritual to watch various chefs compete for the “coveted title of Top Chef!” This year, they’re battling it out in Madison, Wisconsin—which is perfect. The show is at its best when highlighting culinary culture outside of the big markets. I actually have nothing funny to say about this season—I’m just excited it’s back. 

Politics are happening. US meteorologists forecast an increased chance of politics getting into all conversations about everything. No mention of anything anyone wants to have a pleasant discussion about will avoid the deluge of political talking points. Even direct perceptions of reality itself will become cloudy with a chance of contradiction for no apparent reason whatsoever. The public is advised to just take a breath and think things through before contributing to the growing society-wide anxiety about every single thing. Here’s a video of an AI-generated cat looking for cultivated chicken…

About the author

Jack Hott

Some say Jack Hott was born in a restaurant. Others say he wasn’t born at all but discovered behind a Hobart stand mixer. Wherever he comes from, he’s made a career out of only being a good enough employee to skate by in the restaurant industry since the mid-90s. Jack Hott, if that’s even his real name, has gotten lost in walk-ins, stared into the abyss of pizza ovens, spilled red wine on white linen tablecloths, and shaken cocktails he was supposed to stir. If you can find him on social media, for your own safety, please do not follow him.