February 13

Philistine Insults Entire Lineage of Alexandre Marnier-Lapostille


San Diego, CA – In an attempt to impress his Tinder date, local 23-year-old Brad McGuire was witnessed ordering “A Margarita with Grand Mary-ner and a Mo-jee-to for my date” at the Beachside Bar & Grill last Saturday. Witnesses winced as McGuire revealed his deeply disturbing display of ignorance and unearned confidence. He then turned to his horrified Tinder date to tell her he “only orders the best.”

“It really took me a minute. I couldn’t tell if he was talking about baseball or Samuel Coleridge,” bartender James Landely shared. “When he tried to order a mojito I knew I was staring into the abyss.” After double checking McGuire’s ID and serving the drinks while gently using the correct pronunciations, Landely hoped the ordeal was over. Yet, nearby patrons noted a salty shift in McGuire’s attitude as he tried to save face with his date. Bar regular Tracy Davis claimed, “With a real attitude that kid tried to correct the bartender.” Davis looked visually shaken as she recounted the experience, “He said that it’s called Grand Mary-ner and that he’s a spirits expert. God help us all.”

McGuire’s date only agreed to comment off the record. She told us, “Honestly, I just agreed to the date to get free food and drinks.”

At presstime, McGuire’s date was seen thumbing through Tinder while he was in the bathroom.


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