Although it feels like the world came to a standstill many moons ago – the stars never stopped predicting our futures. Here is your Halloween 2020 horoscope.
While everything came to a halt this year, the stars continued to spin all kinds of prophecies into the developing story of our fates. Now, we must seek the knowledge of the stars as we approach All Hallows’ Eve — the single night where the barriers between our world and others are at their thinnest and signify that the opportunity for connectivity is at its utmost height. The stars have spoken and we must listen — even if you find yourself in the most mundane version of quarantine.
Aries
Halloween marks the beginning of your holiday nostalgia plummet. Get ready to have your high expectations for tradition be as smashed as those jack-o-lanterns you insist on carving up every year.
Taurus
Finally, the time has come for you to break out of your human flesh and embrace the true Minotaur that you are.
Gemini
If by chance you are asked to have drinks in a hotel bedroom this week, take lessons from fellow Gemini Giuliani and just don’t do it.
Cancer
By Saturday it will become clear that those unknown numbers that keep calling you are not political canvassers after all, but are the ghost of a tortured soul who crawls out of a well every time someone still mentions Carole Baskin.
Leo
Just like your quarantine resolutions, the pumpkins you’re about to purchase will begin with good intentions, but after seven months fly by — they’re destined to become a forgotten-about pile of rotting mush on your doorstep.
Virgo
Nothing will be as scary as your reaction to the dirty dishes your partner left in the sink the night before last… without even a courtesy rinse.
Libra
On one hand, you don’t have to put in the effort of pretending you’re not home this year to avoid trick or treaters. On the other hand, there are so many other things that are wrong.
Scorpio
The night is dark and full of terror.
Sagittarius
You will discover Ouiji boards really do work just as you discover you accidentally locked yourself inside the room in which you just conjured a ghost.
Capricorn
Your own mind is more haunted than Halloween itself — there is nothing I could tell you that you haven’t already self-prophesied.
Aquarius
The stars predict that you will reach an honorary level of citizenry as you turn in your ballot this week.
Pisces
David Attenboroughs: A Life on Our Planet will further complicate your relationship with fish.
