From Tax Season Being Over To Freeing The Term Chili Crunch—Here’s WTF Is Happening This April!
Tax day has come and gone, and most of us filed. Paying taxes is one of the odder rituals of American life. No one wants to pay taxes, so the government works to ensure that paying them on time is not only expensive but annoyingly difficult. Imagine if other transactions were as complicated as paying taxes, like having a membership card to get the cheaper price at the grocery store but then having to do your own checking and bagging using some kiosk designed in 2004. That’d be ridiculous.
Anyhoo, at least tax season is behind us, or at least ignorable until next year. For now, it’s time to look ahead to everything spring and summer offers. Like outside patios and fresh air, music festivals, and the “sudden deaths” of grandparents that just so happen to coincide with the dates of said music festivals. Which brings me to my final point (I had a point, right?) Spring is a great time to get a new job and start your summer fresh with fully alive grandparents again.
Anyway, here’s WTF happened this week!
To the moon! Donald Trump’s stock has dropped more than 62% from its opening price, wiping out billions of fake dollars that never existed from his net worth. The latest drop came as the company filed to sell more stock, further diluting any initial retail investors currently holding shares in DJT. Meanwhile, Trump is attending his latest fraud trial in a Manhattan courtroom. We’re still in the jury selection phase, which is expected to take 2 weeks. For details on the latest Trump news, check your aging uncle’s Facebook.
Say it ain’t so, Ohtani. That headline is based on a reference so old only Joe Biden would smirk at it. Shohei Ohtani’s Japanese interpreter was formally charged with stealing $16 million from the baseball superstar and Los Angeles Dodger. Major League Baseball is reassuring fans that Ohtani did not participate in any gambling, since gambling is wrong, and that they are very proud of their latest sponsorship deals with FanDue and Draftkings. Meanwhile, Pete Rose is somewhere out there, sadly shaking his head.
Chili Crunch for the people. After a backlash on social media, David Chang has decided not to enforce his trademark for “Chili Crunch.” Long story short, since that fits the modern attention span, Chang trademarked his condiment as “Chili Crunch” to differentiate it from the “Chili Crisp” produced by the Lao Gan Ma brand. When it turned out to be a fairly common term for various Asian condiments, Chang and his lawyers moved to protect their trademark. After numerous small producers went to social media, Chang backed off and offered a full apology. Really, this is the best outcome, according to Chang. “We’re not going to enforce the trademark,” he said. “And by doing so, it’s possible that it becomes a generic term, and nobody can own it.”
Top Chef is back! This season of Top Chef is happening in Wisconsin, so the cheese puns are ruling the day. And there’s nothing better than a cheesy pun to kick off a cheese challenge in a state where people are known to wear cheese hats.
Let them eat chicken. I know a lot about following a losing team: my entire childhood was shaped by the Cleveland Browns. And as a former fan of a really terrible sports franchise, I know how important the little wins can be. So when Houston Rockets Center Boban Marjanovic purposefully missed a free throw to give Clippers fans free chicken sandwiches, my inner child teared up just a little. There are still moral victories. There are still heroes living among us. Thanks, Boban, for reminding us of the true spirit of sportsmanship and generosity. Oh, and the Clippers still lost the game 116 – 105.
